Oh hi 😀 I all but forgot about here, somehow.
In the month and a half that I’ve been gone, I’ve quit my job (which was such a dramatic fiasco, it deserves a post in itself), sold my books, fallen mini-sick almost every second day, and made plans to leave the city that has been absolutely, unconditionally home for the last six years.
I find myself without a routine that involves traffic and timelines, and it is terrifying, really, more than relaxing as “I have all the time in the world”. And for all my organizational skills and Type A tendencies, my packing skills are absolutely appalling and I’m so lost, I might as well be on a deserted island.
Dr. Ford testified in open court but Kavanaugh was still put in the SC, the #MeTooIndia movement broke on Twitter and everyone went berserk in every direction possible, more heroes fell, and someone offered Depp’s “contributions” to the world of cinema as appeasement to his appalling off screen behavior over the years.
Opening up Twitter is painful; I have no terrifying experiences but I still get triggered, so I can only imagine what survivors are going through. I don’t know how they’re dealing with shockwave after shockwave – I know I’m getting by by pointedly focusing on 12 billion other things, like a ducking coward. In the same breath, I also feel like we are going the same way as the conservatives, to extremes, and in doing so, losing our plot and our point. Activism is getting toxic in a way I can’t get myself to get behind. I hope this is just a phase and we get over it.
It was Navratri season and I miss singing at maamis’ golus for sundal. Ra ra venu was my favorite and it has been more than a decade since I sang it other than to irritate my family that refuses to believe that I am NOT making up the lyrics.
So many of my friends are popping out such cute humans… they’re so cute, imma squish them. And these girls I’ve known for years, bawse-ing at their other roles, are bawse-ing at motherhood as well and I’m inordinately proud of them. I’m sure they have their moments of doubts and bone-crushing tiredness and whatnot, but I hope they also have moments of clarity when they realize they are absolutely acing it.
Weirdly though, my uterus still has no such cravings. I know I will be a pretty decent mother and J will make an absolutely smashing father (he is proper baby-wearing, night-shift-taking, Phil Dunphy material), I have no doubts/ fears regarding that. But I really, REALLY don’t see how a child fits into my/ our grand scheme of things. I at least have just enough lack of confidence to question this decision once in a while (for the sake of never saying never), but J made his decision before we even got married and has consistently held on to it; no doubts whatsoever no matter what scenario I throw at him.
The year is winding down, the last 68 days left. Big fights, big upsets, and big messes (unprecedentedly big) aside, it has been one of my better years in all the ways I didn’t expect and none of the ways I did expect. So much so that gratitude is almost oozing out of my pores.
Now if I could only lose the rest of this fat, and be able to write more…
P.S: This was so… random?