Update

I moved. But screw that.

What’s bigger news is that my laptop, the one that has been languishing under my partner’s inexpert ministrations for over three years, takes a lifetime to load all my Chrome tabs, and takes five minutes to open one Word document, now boots in under 10 seconds.

How I feel about it?

will-smith

No kidding. I’m actually doing this, as I type.

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T-1

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go…

It is 1 degree Celsius in Toronto and I have no job or plan.

Jeejus what have I gotten myself into.

P.S: I’ve loved you, namma ooru, I hate your people but I’ve always loved you. Thank you for everything.

T-10

I’m ten days away from getting what I’ve wanted all my life and I’ve to consciously steer my thoughts away from it and not be pinging off the walls because, apparently, getting excited about things (on social media or otherwise) is so passé. So I’ll pretend like life is exactly the same and hope to God everything doesn’t come bursting out at some inopportune moment.

In other news, this Diwali was the least Diwali-est Diwali in my entire life 😓 and I’m getting more tattoos on Monday.

Beekapoo!

Oh hi 😀 I all but forgot about here, somehow.

In the month and a half that I’ve been gone, I’ve quit my job (which was such a dramatic fiasco, it deserves a post in itself), sold my books, fallen mini-sick almost every second day, and made plans to leave the city that has been absolutely, unconditionally home for the last six years.

I find myself without a routine that involves traffic and timelines, and it is terrifying, really, more than relaxing as “I have all the time in the world”. And for all my organizational skills and Type A tendencies, my packing skills are absolutely appalling and I’m so lost, I might as well be on a deserted island.

Dr. Ford testified in open court but Kavanaugh was still put in the SC, the #MeTooIndia movement broke on Twitter and everyone went berserk in every direction possible, more heroes fell, and someone offered Depp’s “contributions” to the world of cinema as appeasement to his appalling off screen behavior over the years.

Opening up Twitter is painful; I have no terrifying experiences but I still get triggered, so I can only imagine what survivors are going through. I don’t know how they’re dealing with shockwave after shockwave – I know I’m getting by by pointedly focusing on 12 billion other things, like a ducking coward. In the same breath, I also feel like we are going the same way as the conservatives, to extremes, and in doing so, losing our plot and our point. Activism is getting toxic in a way I can’t get myself to get behind. I hope this is just a phase and we get over it.

It was Navratri season and I miss singing at maamis’ golus for sundal. Ra ra venu was my favorite and it has been more than a decade since I sang it other than to irritate my family that refuses to believe that I am NOT making up the lyrics.

So many of my friends are popping out such cute humans… they’re so cute, imma squish them. And these girls I’ve known for years, bawse-ing at their other roles, are bawse-ing at motherhood as well and I’m inordinately proud of them. I’m sure they have their moments of doubts and bone-crushing tiredness and whatnot, but I hope they also have moments of clarity when they realize they are absolutely acing it.
Weirdly though, my uterus still has no such cravings. I know I will be a pretty decent mother and J will make an absolutely smashing father (he is proper baby-wearing, night-shift-taking, Phil Dunphy material), I have no doubts/ fears regarding that. But I really, REALLY don’t see how a child fits into my/ our grand scheme of things. I at least have just enough lack of confidence to question this decision once in a while (for the sake of never saying never), but J made his decision before we even got married and has consistently held on to it; no doubts whatsoever no matter what scenario I throw at him.

The year is winding down, the last 68 days left. Big fights, big upsets, and big messes (unprecedentedly big) aside, it has been one of my better years in all the ways I didn’t expect and none of the ways I did expect. So much so that gratitude is almost oozing out of my pores.

Now if I could only lose the rest of this fat, and be able to write more…

P.S: This was so… random? 

In America, you can still be an African and an American, you can be a Mexican-American, and an Italian-American, a Chinese-American. In France, there are no hyphenates. You are either French, or you are not.

– Sandrine Arnaud, Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan

I revel in routine. Not the boring kind (who revels in that), but the kind that helps me compartmentalize my life into neat little A-Z boxes. It helps me breathe better, function better, cope better with anything that is out of my routine. I simply need to know what I’m doing next, that’s all.

I revel in order as well. Clutter and things out of place make it really hard for me to think or make coherent sentences or even sleep for that matter. I swore I’d never get house help (because I don’t like dependence), but I caved a couple of months ago and let me tell you, it has changed my life. Clearly, I underestimated the power clutter had over me.

So.

At some point in the recent past, I set in motion the life I envisioned myself living. But somewhere along the way, I realized that this life that I think I want will encompass the OPPOSITE of order and routine. And as expected, I’ve been quietly panicking about it in the corner of my mind; it would have probably continued building until I freaked the living duck out of myself one day, ending in a completely preventable meltdown.

But I was sitting in an auto this morning and I suddenly realized (because epiphanies happen not just in the shower, guys), I have changed my life around in several ways over the last few years, in ways that I never imagined myself to be capable of. For example: For 25 years, I hated Mondays. Now, I don’t. I don’t have Monday blues, I don’t spend half of Sunday panicking about Monday, I don’t look at the planner and groan and wish for the next weekend to be there already. And guess what, nothing has really changed, except that my laundry is up-to-date and a leeetle bit of stuff is planned. I sometimes even look forward to Mondays and all it took was a change in perspective/ mindset. Who’da thunk it?

Similarly, I HATED exercise. Anything that made me sweat really. I detested it. But now, I can’t go a day without getting in some form of activity, I feel pretty shitty the days I skip my workout, honestly, and I NEVER thought I’d be one of those people. I taught myself to like exercise enough to make it a habit.

So if I’m capable of having habits opposite to those that made up who I thought I inherently was by simply teaching myself how to, I can also learn to live a life without as much routine or order, right? I can learn to do pretty much anything I really want to, right?

Annoying Board/Card Games

I do NOT like board/card games (Uno, chess, poker, 7 cards, donkey, Pictionary, Scrabble, younameit), with the exception of  Monopoly (which no one else seems to like), and I’d do ANYTHING to get out of playing them. But it is not easy when you have family and friends who turn to precisely these games to un-glue everyone from their phones when we get together (whatever happened to lazing around, munching on pottu kadalae, and gossiping). It becomes especially difficult when you have a sibling who loves playing the most complicated of these games; for him, the more rules and actions to perform, the better *smh*. I try telling them that I’ll keep the score or I’ll be the judge and nonsense excuses like that but of course, no one even listens to me and I’m given a set of cards or a marker and that is that. They all have fun and I’m just trying stay afloat, remember all the rules.

But guess what.

  1. My uncle got a quizzing app out (with like GK questions and timers and all) during our mini-vacation and started playing with us (me + partner + siblings + my mother), and that is the most fun hour I had in that entire trip.
  2. My bff’s colleagues had a sleepover at his place and we gatecrashed; one girl came up with this word game for all of us to play and, again, the most fun I’ve had in all my indoor game playing life.

Now, I’m all geared to make it my life’s mission to get everyone to play these two games.
My partner is teasing me about being a nerdy nerd but I’m not even sorry 😛

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