24 drafts on my dashboard. Goodlord.
I keep wondering why I let blogging become about doing challenges and getting on lists and writing a story that was better than the last, because the people who commented before had to comment on this one saying it was better than the last one, you know. I think twice, thrice, four times before I type something out because in my head, I’m thinking, oh what is this person going to think about this sentence, what is that person going to feel about that one. But you know what, honestly, I don’t think anybody has the time to give a shit about what someone random writes on their blog. More importantly, by the time I have filtered out the stuff that I supposedly can write about and finished up that thought, I lose interest because there is too much edited out for it to really be me. Somewhere along the way, it became less about writing and more about presentation, and readership, and blogging as a career (LOLROFL @ me who thought she could make blogging her business), and everything else, other than writing. For me. About me. As narcissistic as that sounds. But whatever, you get the point.
I think back to 2010 when blogging brought me so much joy and I realize, the reason people “liked” what I wrote was because I was unapologetically myself. As stupid as it sounds, it was like an online diary of sorts? Not trying to be cool, not trying to meet expectations, not trying to be politically correct, just a 19 year old yakking on about whatever the current drama unfolding in her weird little life.
I want to try to go back to that, relearn how to verbally diarrhea (can I use that as a verb?) on a page until I feel better (and sometimes let someone passive aggressively know that they are a dick – I know, cheap, so sue me). I need to relearn because as I learn new and horrifying things about myself, I need to find an outlet and find some solace; using my brain to read doesn’t seem to be helping, and I haven’t found a good therapist yet.
So I’ll try to write for myself. And not worry about typos and political correctness and about appropriateness. Fuck that, no?
P.S: This is probably the weirdest, most random, most unnecessary, most unhelpful post ever (we will talk about my acute self-deprecation in another post) . To the 0.5 people who are (is?) reading this, sorry :P!